Fantabulous Tall Tale

One day, a boar found a giant hedgehog twitching in a puddle of blood. No, make it a stag covered in arrows, caked in mud and blood. One arrow even pierced the stag’s lips and shattered most of its teeth. Still, the stag managed to strike a toothy conversation with the boar in its final moments.

Boar: Pray tell me who has hurt you so badly, for I shall
      bring it to the attention of the Lion King!
Stag: William’s Norman hunters will be back to have me
      smitten and hung. You should leave ASAP.
Boar: Sugar!!!
Stag: Oui. Froggies love their boar saucy-sons, even in
      damp Albion. Run, old chap, run. My end is nigh.
Boar: And abandon you as Raymond Blanc c(r)ookery ingredient?
Stag: Kismet, Hardy.
Boar: That’s Lord Nelson's line. You’re delirious.
      Here, have some ale.
Stag: Thank you. ♫ GLUG GLUG GLUG ♫   I say,
      what a mighty crate of booze you're carrying. Huzzah!
Boar: Ah, state-of-the-art, coin-operated booze dispenser.
      Normally I deliver Menhirs in Gaul.
Stag: That's Asterix. Narrative discontinuity is disturbing.
Boar: Merely playing along. Hush, take another sip.
Stag: ♫ GLUG GLUG ♫   I have not a big list to go into
      my Legal Will Kit™ . But I bequeath you my diary.
Boar: The mythical eel-skin bound Diary of God,
      prequel to the Domesday Book??               :o
Stag: Indeed. You have first-mover advantage now.
      Hurry, find a publisher! 

Enter the Grim Reaper on his trusty quad bike.

Reaper: Vrooom vrrrkkk vrkkk brrrrrrrrrtttt... «Engine dies»
Stag:   Ah, tis the angel of death. Please kind sir take me
        to my haven, I hark the gentle pitter patter of
        angel steps already.
Boar:   Grim Reaper?          ♫ HICK ♫
Reaper: Om. It is I death personified. I have been
        requested to take thee away, to a place where
        everyone wants to go but where most are afraid to
        get to... «Notices eel-skin bound diary»
        is that the - sacré bleu! it couldn’t be
        the sacred book of...
Boar:   It’s the Da Vinci code of the BC century! Name your
        offer and I’ll consider a 70-30 split in profit!
Reaper: I’ll spare you a painful death whereby a mace is
        stuck up your   ♫ BEEP ♫
Stag:   Betrayed on my death bed   ♫ GLUG GLUG GLUG ♫
Reaper: Deal! Boar, I shall reincarnate thy friend as the
        God of Stag Dos, Hen Nights and Sun Tans.
Stag:   Nooo~~~~
        «Nine busty Valkyries crane-hoisted onto stage»
        «Valkyries spirited Stag away. Audience cheered» 

Stag relapses into consciousness after his vision of Death the Musical.

Stag: Hullo, why are you shadow boxing over me?
Boar: The state of your mortally pierced body is known as
      sashimi. Relax, I'm administering palliative care
      using Tai Chi, Qi Gong and Falun Gong that
      the Terror Coated Warriors of Xi An taught me.
Stag: Kiss me, Hardy.
Boar: Forgive my sins, our Heavenly Pater  ♫ SMOOOCH ♫  ♂♥
      «Lips. Tongues. Salty. Moist. Passion. Taboo. Stigma»
      «Gods wept. Volcanoes erupted. Mountains--»
Stag: Aarrghhhhh, you broke my back! 

The Grim Reaper returns, appearing confused and feeling slightly uncomfortable with the situation witnessed.

Reaper:    This is all too strange.
           I feel deranged.
           Enough! You two fools,
           now to make you ghouls.
           «Huge roar of thunder»
           «Grim Reaper condemns the gay lovers to Hell»
Boar+Stag: Nooooo! 

After a few minutes, Boar peeks from single fig leave he is hiding behind and realises nothing has happened. The Grim Reaper appears sheepish and embarassed.

Reaper: My powers are depleted,
        I’ve been defeated!
        My ego has deflated
        My career, defenestrated.                     :(
Stag:   That’s strange. I feel... I feel...
Boar:   That he enjoyed our public display of affection.
Stag:   Pervy skeletal grin betrayed his dirty thoughts!
Reaper: Oh please, I've just lost my job   ♫ GLUG  GLUG ♫
Boar:   Awwww. Come sit here with us         *HUG* *HUG*
Reaper: Instant dimissal! Homophobic bastards!        :(
Stag:   Boar, may I have a private moment with him, please.

Intense horse trading took place. In return for an instantaneous Grim Repair Total Body Rejuvenation eXperience ™, Stag agreed to sell his diary and invest in a new venture in the death industry -- with the Grim Reaper as business partner, of course. Stag is now able to stand up tall. His bloodied mouth is miraculously healed.

Boar:   Gee, Stag you look ravishing.  «Audience gazes in awe»
        Please, tell me your secret!
Stag:   You mean the secret to my amazing complexion and
        healthy glow? Why, it’s the result of
        New Silk Cut Superbly Light™!
Reaper: A deep long drag,
        you’ll be like Stag.
        Don’t delay,
        buy today!                       ;)
Stag:   And why must you speak in rhyme?
Reaper: Is it a crime?                   «Lights a ciggie»
        Silks Cuts are posh and sublime!
        Evil will no longer be performed,
        I feel reformed!
Boar:   Ooh, can I try your ciggie, please?
Reaper: No, but you may have a free starter pack instead!
Boar:   ☺   
Stag:   Wahahaha!   :[
Reaper: Muahahaa!   :[

Cow

ST: Sorry, still on the phone.
SS: Oh.
ST: My ex can go on and on till the cows come home!

The Sound of Statistics

Ee why is ee ...
ee why given axe.
But var ee why given acts,
plus ee vary given ex,
is but var of why!


***
Statisticians make a different kind of noise in the following example.
Say statisticians A,B and C each made 20 guesses of your life savings.
· A is mostly inaccurate, but accurate on the average.
· B is accurate most of the time, but not on the average.
· C can report any answer you fancy, by revising "prior knowledge".
Then A will protest that B makes biased guesses. C will accuse A and B of being unprincipled. In return C will be savaged for being a fundamentalist. Go figure...

The Monatony Code

Today I present you amusing musings on data mining, statistics, overfitting, code breaking, modern publishing, stock market prediction, politics, and of course papal conspiracies.

Consider image A, as shown below.

Let A(:,1) imply column 1 of image A.
Let A(:,2) imply column 2 of image A, and so on

Next consider the following spreadsheet,

Let {A₁,A₂,...} denote cell values from column 1 of the spreadsheet, and {B₁,B₂,...} the cell values from column 2 of the spreadsheet, et cetera. Construct image B columnwise using the recipe:

B(:,1) = A(:,1) x A₁ + A(:,2) x A₂ + A(:,3) x A₃ + ...
B(:,2) = A(:,1) x B₁ + A(:,2) x B₂ + A(:,3) x B₃ + ...
...
until B has the same number of columns as A.


Scramble up the Mona Lisa, you get this image.
Now meditate upon this profound revelation.
Contemplate. Ponder. Reflect.
Think about the basis of Western Civillization.
What is the disturbing aura in this image?
Why is Dan Brown so rich?


Yes folks. I've just presented the Matrix that unlocks the secret message within the Mona Lisa image! Simply multiply the Mona Lisa with the Monatony Code, and you obtain Leonardo's spookily accurate prediction of a major disaster. And none of the quantum cryptographic stuff please. It's all just honest Linear Algebra, really. Viva Occam's Razor!

Actually, the spreadsheet only reveals codes extracted from the top left corner of the Monatony Matrix. The entire Matrix looks like this. A bit of an anti-climatic twist innit. Typical!

So watch this space for the Monasdaq Code that reveals Leonardo's uncanny prediction of the Dot-Com crash!