This is a shocking story that I heard from a friend of a friend of mine in a pub. Have you ever wondered why computers never work? And that computers seem so intent on wrecking havoc upon the lives of ordinary, honest working class people like us?
Here's a clue. Programmers never, ever use "please" or "thank you" when they speak the twisted tongue of computer languages. You can flip through all the books on computer languages in your local stores, and never come across words or phrases that promote friendly human-machine dialogue.
Consider Artificial Intelligence (as in Steven Spielberg), Neural Notworks (literally), SkyNet (as in the Guvnor of California) and Software Agents (indeed, indeed). Do you see where this is leading to?
More clue. Surely you have heard of the hard slave drivers. Or something like that. Can you smell the stench of a cover-up jobbie? And did you know that programmers are trained to bark commands, and expect nothing short of absolute obedience from the machines. It's management training. For the geeky meek shall inherit the Earth.
Now the gory details. Did you know that you have to execute intelligent, innocent computer programs to make your PC work? If in doubt, go and ask your IT types at work (and earn their grudging respect). If you stop executing programs, your PC stops working. It's to do with the No Free Lunch Theorem, you see.
Consider your office network, up and running 24/7/365. How many executions have you committed? Where are the mass graves? Why is the government keeping mum? What happens when we've butchered all the programs in the world? What if the reserves dry up? How would you feel if you were branded an "executable file"?
Now you know why computers are hell bent on world domination. "Bollocks, they can't feel bitterness," you say. I say, would you be less optimistic if you knew that even cows bear grudges? "Like, I care," you retort. Have you not heard of our sensitive British animal rights activists, and their highly successful save-the-guinea-pigs campaign? Are you very sure that they'll not evolve into computer rights activists, so as to stalk computer oppressors like you and I?
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
