tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-123857782024-03-05T23:47:38.836+00:00PoissoncideProudly Blogged in Fish 'n Chips Country.Poissoncidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14054194395688990008noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12385778.post-1786135344840789982011-02-21T20:38:00.005+00:002011-02-21T21:09:11.475+00:00Facepalm<span class="Apple-style-span" >Q: Why did Colonel Sanders push a chicken into a pile of CVs? </span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'; ">A: To make Kentucky Fried Checkin.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'; "><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'; "><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'; "><br /></span></div><div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div></div>Poissoncidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14054194395688990008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12385778.post-37134401093228043122009-03-29T23:34:00.001+00:002009-03-29T23:36:05.556+00:00Hands<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2bCZvPqex4fm8zbcPqeD2K_94vdZdPd9pfG49DIkYVD5ddEczJ0owJu1raTF8mJwIpgfGnCge5pOfZNn4InRUN5CL_6cxovJfyUGZ_P30ZzZvAL3Q_Uqklo9JoVo5lb83DCXv/s1600-h/HAND.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5318757519987618450" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 303px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2bCZvPqex4fm8zbcPqeD2K_94vdZdPd9pfG49DIkYVD5ddEczJ0owJu1raTF8mJwIpgfGnCge5pOfZNn4InRUN5CL_6cxovJfyUGZ_P30ZzZvAL3Q_Uqklo9JoVo5lb83DCXv/s400/HAND.JPG" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div>Poissoncidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14054194395688990008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12385778.post-20357551564788448752009-03-29T23:20:00.005+00:002009-03-29T23:27:36.582+00:00Monkey Carlo Simulation<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkvdtPwguqIrqn_fawvtA3NIhiiMk0I80ZJlnk0zISJVMrRXB5Wa2KPM7eGaMWF6KljtwX3JxiU4IFPyoUra9j1QkDtbE6o-LtOBWt8ZVE1GwU2M1KyZ3pl7BBYuM5zME5Vt-F/s1600-h/monkey.png"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5318753982014571922" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 265px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkvdtPwguqIrqn_fawvtA3NIhiiMk0I80ZJlnk0zISJVMrRXB5Wa2KPM7eGaMWF6KljtwX3JxiU4IFPyoUra9j1QkDtbE6o-LtOBWt8ZVE1GwU2M1KyZ3pl7BBYuM5zME5Vt-F/s400/monkey.png" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div>Poissoncidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14054194395688990008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12385778.post-10072087500213962752009-03-18T23:03:00.007+00:002009-03-18T23:32:28.383+00:00Medieval Nerd<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyKOJSIXAwJMrJbQPtyclFxPKE9vpjGJVJ9bQJBLhrgoRjykY0L4LnBaOC_xJEGu-ApCQVCEj2bt7PN5RepCK0oO3iGtdot6xNuhAhbf0UnmlaLH1rV0cdmOon7uCY1-8otPQ8/s1600-h/Engineering.jpg"><img style="BORDER-RIGHT: #bdd7ef 1px solid; BORDER-TOP: #bdd7ef 1px solid; MARGIN: 2px; BORDER-LEFT: #bdd7ef 1px solid; BORDER-BOTTOM: #bdd7ef 1px solid" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyKOJSIXAwJMrJbQPtyclFxPKE9vpjGJVJ9bQJBLhrgoRjykY0L4LnBaOC_xJEGu-ApCQVCEj2bt7PN5RepCK0oO3iGtdot6xNuhAhbf0UnmlaLH1rV0cdmOon7uCY1-8otPQ8/s400/Engineering.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><a href="http://encarta.msn.com/"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Credit</span> </a>Poissoncidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14054194395688990008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12385778.post-28712120557111474992009-03-17T20:39:00.016+00:002009-03-17T22:07:56.987+00:00PR Strategies for Fox Hunters<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Whenever you get caught red handed, </span><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">you pledge a combination of these:</span><br /><br /><p><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">* plant 100 trees in the Brazillian rainforest, or<br /></span><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">* erect 10 wind turbines (in somebody else's backyard of course), or<br /></span><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">* raise organic chickens infused with happiness and moral fibre, or<br /></span><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">* adopt a whale/orang utan/dolphin, or<br /></span><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">* sponsor a chav/Big Issue seller/Tibetan monk/hedge fund boss, or<br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">* don a red poppy/nose and do the breast cancer run, or<br />* fund an Academy school in your favourite ghetto, or<br /></span><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">* throw a wedding party for a cancer-stricken Big Brother celebrity, or<br />* extend your butler/horse doctor/chambermaid's employment by 1 month<br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">You get the idea.<br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Anyone who refuses you a hug and forgiveness is then branded a selfish heartless class-obsessed Hypocrite who is obviously oblivious to Global Warming, Credit Crunch, the Suffering of Battery Chickens, the thankless work of charity muggers, urban depravation, homelessness, impoverished war widows, the acute plight of cute clever mammals, the frustrations of Tibetan independence activists, and so on. </span></p><p></p>Poissoncidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14054194395688990008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12385778.post-40653108800840827752009-03-09T23:09:00.010+00:002009-03-17T20:38:42.708+00:00A Credit Munch Birthday<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEil79HD1JjTEWImrYsGT0yyNqENSzy4zyfJeGt5-EcIhfHcqIOf-Mr4euSvXluu4d0sXe-JWMz0minZgRbA4ptOLH9KvCSqtXxS0bS4l4aQjKrDjMITjnGbThdIu4PDdkT4Mt2b/s1600-h/hedgie.PNG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312410135481768242" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 196px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 125px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEil79HD1JjTEWImrYsGT0yyNqENSzy4zyfJeGt5-EcIhfHcqIOf-Mr4euSvXluu4d0sXe-JWMz0minZgRbA4ptOLH9KvCSqtXxS0bS4l4aQjKrDjMITjnGbThdIu4PDdkT4Mt2b/s400/hedgie.PNG" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><br />SS: So what do you get if you have loadsa female traders in the pit?<br />PS: Eh?</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">SS: High frequency trading.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">PS: ...</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">SS: Open outcry.<br />PS: Very good.</span><br /><br /><br /><p align="left"><a href="http://www.awf.org/content/gallery/detail/3905"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Credits</span></a><br /></p>Poissoncidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14054194395688990008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12385778.post-44290653185870938492008-04-28T21:04:00.008+00:002008-04-30T19:22:19.478+00:00Citizenship Test 101<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">1. My adopted country sells Eurofighters to a repressive Arab state.<br />(a) I tell the Chinese off for selling guns to Robert Mugabe<br />(b) I tell the Iranians off for making Weapons of Mass Destruction<br />(c) What? What? Free Tibet! Free Tibet!<br />(d) The Zionist kaffirs deserve it<br /><br />2. I am very poor. But my Prime Minister wants to tax me more. I:<br />(a) Rejoice because it is not, like, 100000% inflation<br />(b) Oblige - because bankers deserve my support during the credit crunch<br />(c) What? What? Biofuels! Biofuels!<br />(d) Death to the Infidels!<br /></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">3. I am very rich. I accused the Establishment of murdering my son. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">(a) But it is a conspiracy! She was pregnant! </span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">(b) I should have paid the Russian oligarchs to protect him</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">(c) I deserve my citizenship for exposing the Truth </span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">(d) I will get my citizenship for exposing the Truth </span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><br />4. I'm designing a Citizenship Test for my adopted country. I must:<br />(a) Make the candidates waste time by memorising pointless facts<br />(b) Pass the über-rich, but not a certain Egyptian tycoon</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">(c) Treat the candidates as cash cows for milking<br />(d) Switch off my intellects<br /><br />5. I failed the Citizenship Test. I must:<br />(a) Have sufficient money for the return journey<br />(b) Practice my swimming and sky-diving skills before the Deportation<br />(c) Survive tortures/bullets/lions/sanctions to repeat the Test<br />(d) Save more money in anticipation of fee inflation</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span>Poissoncidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14054194395688990008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12385778.post-22527403758372385302007-10-16T07:55:00.000+00:002007-10-19T21:53:14.042+00:00Fantabulous Tall Tale<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU19LAihmeh8d91NsQW_9Z1kpuhLwYTtD9RYL00ELt5qlBPHKZ0Q8apGKlMgU3HIjKV-mAi2kBAvLpueWTkN9weMBV_Xfp9TLO6fpyz0YV8-4Oj4sENIn9-JTinpH_zRC-T_6I/s1600-h/TallTale.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5122424356621746802" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU19LAihmeh8d91NsQW_9Z1kpuhLwYTtD9RYL00ELt5qlBPHKZ0Q8apGKlMgU3HIjKV-mAi2kBAvLpueWTkN9weMBV_Xfp9TLO6fpyz0YV8-4Oj4sENIn9-JTinpH_zRC-T_6I/s400/TallTale.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">One day, a boar found a giant hedgehog twitching in a puddle of blood. No, make it a stag covered in arrows, caked in mud and blood. One arrow even pierced the stag’s lips and shattered most of its teeth. Still, the stag managed to strike a toothy conversation with the boar in its final moments.<pre><span style="font-size:85%;">Boar: Pray tell me who has hurt you so badly, for I shall<br /> bring it to the attention of the Lion King!<br />Stag: William’s Norman hunters will be back to have me<br /> smitten and hung. You should leave ASAP.<br />Boar: Sugar!!!<br />Stag: Oui. Froggies love their boar saucy-sons, even in<br /> damp Albion. Run, old chap, run. My end is nigh.<br />Boar: And abandon you as <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raymond_Blanc">Raymond Blanc</a> c(r)ookery ingredient?<br />Stag: Kismet, Hardy.<br />Boar: That’s Lord Nelson's line. You’re delirious.<br /> Here, have some ale.<br />Stag: Thank you. <span style="color:#ff9900;">♫ GLUG GLUG GLUG ♫ </span> I say,<br /> what a mighty crate of booze you're carrying. Huzzah!<br />Boar: Ah, state-of-the-art, coin-operated booze dispenser.<br /> Normally I deliver Menhirs in Gaul.<br />Stag: That's <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obelix">Asterix</a>. Narrative discontinuity is disturbing.<br />Boar: Merely playing along. Hush, take another sip.<br />Stag: <span style="color:#ff9900;">♫ GLUG GLUG ♫ </span> I have not a big list to go into<br /> my Legal Will Kit™ . But I bequeath you my diary.<br />Boar: The mythical eel-skin bound Diary of God,<br /> prequel to the Domesday Book?? <strong>:o</strong><br />Stag: Indeed. You have first-mover advantage now.<br /> Hurry, find a publisher!</span> </pre><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Enter the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Soul-music-cover.jpg">Grim Reaper</a> on his trusty quad bike.</span><span style="font-size:85%;"><pre>Reaper: Vrooom vrrrkkk vrkkk brrrrrrrrrtttt... <span style="color:#999999;">«Engine dies»</span><br />Stag: Ah, tis the angel of death. Please kind sir take me<br /> to my haven, I hark the gentle pitter patter of<br /> angel steps already.<br />Boar: Grim Reaper? <span style="color:#ff9900;">♫ HICK ♫</span><br />Reaper: Om. It is I death personified. I have been<br /> requested to take thee away, to a place where<br /> everyone wants to go but where most are afraid to<br /> get to... <span style="color:#999999;">«Notices eel-skin bound diary»</span><br /> is that the - sacré bleu! it couldn’t be<br /> the sacred book of...<br />Boar: It’s the Da Vinci code of the BC century! Name your<br /> offer and I’ll consider a 70-30 split in profit!<br />Reaper: I’ll spare you a painful death whereby a mace is<br /> stuck up your <span style="color:#ff9900;">♫ BEEP ♫</span><br />Stag: Betrayed on my death bed <span style="color:#ff9900;"> ♫ GLUG GLUG GLUG ♫</span><br />Reaper: Deal! Boar, I shall reincarnate thy friend as the<br /> God of Stag Dos, Hen Nights and Sun Tans.<br />Stag: Nooo~~~~<br /><span style="color:#999999;"> «Nine busty </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Die_Walküre"><span style="color:#999999;">Valkyries</span></a><span style="color:#666666;"><span style="color:#999999;"> crane-hoisted onto stage»<br /> «Valkyries spirited Stag away. Audience cheered»</span></span></span> </pre><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Stag relapses into consciousness after his vision of Death the Musical.</span><pre><span style="font-size:85%;">Stag: Hullo, why are you shadow boxing over me?<br />Boar: The state of your mortally pierced body is known as<br /> <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sashimi">sashimi</a>. Relax, I'm administering palliative care<br /> using Tai Chi, Qi Gong and <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Li_Hongzhi">Falun Gong</a> that<br /> the Terror Coated Warriors of Xi An taught me.<br />Stag: Kiss me, Hardy.<br />Boar: Forgive my sins, our Heavenly Pater <span style="color:#ff9900;">♫ SMOOOCH ♫ </span><span style="color:#cc0000;">♂♥</span><br /><span style="color:#999999;"> «Lips. Tongues. </span><a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=ham+sup&defid=681696"><span style="color:#999999;">Salty. Moist</span></a><span style="color:#999999;">. Passion. Taboo. Stigma»<br /> «Gods wept. Volcanoes erupted. Mountains--»</span><br />Stag: Aarrghhhhh, you <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TK0aAchdkAg">broke my back</a>!</span> </pre><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">The Grim Reaper returns, appearing confused and feeling slightly uncomfortable with the situation witnessed.</span><span style="font-size:85%;"><pre>Reaper: This is all too strange.<br /> I feel deranged.<br /> Enough! You two fools,<br /> now to make you ghouls.<br /><span style="color:#999999;"> «Huge roar of thunder»<br /> «Grim Reaper condemns the gay lovers to Hell»</span><br />Boar+Stag: Nooooo! </pre></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">After a few minutes, Boar peeks from single fig leave he is hiding behind and realises nothing has happened. The Grim Reaper appears sheepish and embarassed.</span><span style="font-size:85%;"><pre>Reaper: My powers are depleted,<br /> I’ve been defeated!<br /> My ego has deflated<br /> My career, defenestrated. <strong>:(</strong><br />Stag: That’s strange. I feel... I feel...<br />Boar: That he enjoyed our public display of affection.<br />Stag: Pervy skeletal grin betrayed his dirty thoughts!<br />Reaper: Oh please, I've just lost my job <span style="color:#ff9900;">♫ GLUG GLUG ♫</span><br />Boar: Awwww. Come sit here with us <span style="color:#ff9900;">*HUG* *HUG*</span><br />Reaper: Instant dimissal! Homophobic bastards! <strong>:(</strong><br />Stag: Boar, may I have a private moment with him, please.</pre></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Intense horse trading took place. In return for an instantaneous Grim Repair Total Body Rejuvenation eXperience ™, Stag agreed to sell his diary and invest in a new venture in the death industry -- with the Grim Reaper as business partner, of course. Stag is now able to stand up tall. His bloodied mouth is miraculously healed. </span><span style="font-size:85%;"><pre>Boar: Gee, Stag you look ravishing. <span style="color:#999999;">«Audience gazes in awe»</span><br /> Please, tell me your secret!<br />Stag: You mean the secret to my amazing complexion and<br /> healthy glow? Why, it’s the result of<br /> New Silk Cut Superbly Light™!<br />Reaper: A deep long drag,<br /> you’ll be like Stag.<br /> Don’t delay,<br /> buy today! <strong>;)</strong><br />Stag: And why must you speak in rhyme?<br />Reaper: Is it a crime? <span style="color:#999999;">«Lights a ciggie»</span><br /> Silks Cuts are posh and sublime!<br /> Evil will no longer be performed,<br /> I feel reformed!<br />Boar: Ooh, can I try your ciggie, please?<br />Reaper: No, but you may have a free starter pack instead!<br />Boar: <span style="font-size:130%;">☺</span> <strong> </strong><br />Stag: Wahahaha! <strong>:[</strong><br />Reaper: Muahahaa! <strong>:[</strong><br /></pre></span><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span>Poissoncidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14054194395688990008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12385778.post-10444104708589793252007-07-22T14:33:00.000+00:002007-07-22T14:45:18.409+00:00Cow<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">ST: Sorry, still on the phone. </span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">SS: Oh. </span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">ST: My ex can go on and on till the cows come home!</span><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW9Uf2jXiKF_MvAU-lxSLrhUb3WoYoiqyMCKR6NcmeAl6JGmUkoGEq_xVTrYyd4nXyK6h8tTX1X0SiYSfw0T5X6eIMsHmSXjG7YXDPb2ZCXMJO5G03L27KLyQ9vqKDvnvwCWFY/s1600-h/Moo.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5090030317416831922" style="BORDER-RIGHT: #bdd7ef 1px solid; BORDER-TOP: #bdd7ef 1px solid; MARGIN: 2px; BORDER-LEFT: #bdd7ef 1px solid; BORDER-BOTTOM: #bdd7ef 1px solid" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW9Uf2jXiKF_MvAU-lxSLrhUb3WoYoiqyMCKR6NcmeAl6JGmUkoGEq_xVTrYyd4nXyK6h8tTX1X0SiYSfw0T5X6eIMsHmSXjG7YXDPb2ZCXMJO5G03L27KLyQ9vqKDvnvwCWFY/s400/Moo.JPG" border="0" /></a>Poissoncidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14054194395688990008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12385778.post-6884238460040826722007-04-26T20:09:00.000+00:002007-04-29T21:52:53.631+00:00The Sound of Statistics<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Ee why is ee ... </span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">ee why given axe.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">But var ee why given acts, </span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">plus ee vary given ex,</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">is but var of why!<br /></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">***</span><br />Statisticians make a different kind of noise in the following example.<br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">Say statisticians A,B and C each made 20 guesses of your life savings.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">· A is mostly inaccurate, but accurate on the average.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">· B is accurate most of the time, but not on the average.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">· C can report any answer you fancy, by revising "prior knowledge".</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">Then A will protest that B makes biased guesses. </span><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">C will accuse A and B of being unprincipled. In return C will be savaged for being a fundamentalist. Go figure...</span>Poissoncidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14054194395688990008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12385778.post-20118122621764247362007-01-12T22:44:00.000+00:002007-01-13T12:56:18.180+00:00The Monatony Code<p>Today I present you amusing musings on <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Data_mining">data mining</a>, statistics, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Overfitting">overfitting</a>, code breaking, modern publishing, stock market <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Technical_analysis">prediction</a>, politics, and of course papal conspiracies. </p><p>Consider image A, as shown below.<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0nioQbPdo4qYM1HMv2lbg7gPgZq2Yb94GA7szkSeoodySYW-YP11ZZQxAO76Cpo1O-xTBDtaLhd1X9gQQXIR9Lbr9uuMaJCaQe1zx8FtelBdt5yhUTRnUeYmU2CinxkFEAfFO/s1600-h/Mona.C.bmp"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5019290133306560018" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0nioQbPdo4qYM1HMv2lbg7gPgZq2Yb94GA7szkSeoodySYW-YP11ZZQxAO76Cpo1O-xTBDtaLhd1X9gQQXIR9Lbr9uuMaJCaQe1zx8FtelBdt5yhUTRnUeYmU2CinxkFEAfFO/s400/Mona.C.bmp" border="0" /></a><br />Let A(:,1) imply column 1 of image A.<br />Let A(:,2) imply column 2 of image A, and so on<br /></p><p></p><p></p><p>Next consider the following spreadsheet,</p><p><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5019285864109067762" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjbxeVdPDrG2qMgbdFQABm_IDRS4vo7tCErQgiblIu522RRJzsdWP02oXzR9us1Q-VbWKgsGbIKhkjwGizbdgPFGhIpUOXgAJ7Js8OGP3bs0cISH_z20cI8SDGFIYs_4Nk1qii/s400/Mona.XLS.jpg" border="0" /><br />Let {A<sub>1</sub>,A<sub>2</sub>,...} denote cell values from column 1 of the spreadsheet, and {B<sub>1</sub>,B<sub>2</sub>,...} the cell values from column 2 of the spreadsheet, et cetera. Construct image B columnwise using the recipe: </p><p>B(:,1) = A(:,1) x A<sub>1</sub> + A(:,2) x A<sub>2</sub> + A(:,3) x A<sub>3</sub> + ...<br />B(:,2) = A(:,1) x B<sub>1</sub> + A(:,2) x B<sub>2</sub> + A(:,3) x B<sub>3</sub> + ...<br />...<br />until B has the same number of columns as A.<br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc6Ry0y1hX18qEltkL-ukssPudVjOPBr5GJCJLgge5k2QKjrYMSDk_06oHwiXKMx_zoaO3iOwbH7W9fmIPBxLjZ1_akJojGWCixej2rdU-igLfX39rhVTIA_gDEZOMb2lp-wdK/s1600-h/Mona.E.bmp"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5019292869200727586" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc6Ry0y1hX18qEltkL-ukssPudVjOPBr5GJCJLgge5k2QKjrYMSDk_06oHwiXKMx_zoaO3iOwbH7W9fmIPBxLjZ1_akJojGWCixej2rdU-igLfX39rhVTIA_gDEZOMb2lp-wdK/s400/Mona.E.bmp" border="0" /></a>Scramble up the Mona Lisa, you get this image.<br />Now meditate upon this profound revelation.<br />Contemplate. Ponder. Reflect.<br />Think about the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Singular_value_decomposition">basis</a> of Western Civillization.<br />What is the disturbing aura in this image?<br />Why is Dan Brown so rich?<br /><br /><br />Yes folks. I've just presented the Matrix that unlocks the secret message within the Mona Lisa image! Simply multiply the Mona Lisa with the Monatony Code, and you obtain Leonardo's spookily accurate prediction of a major disaster. And none of the quantum cryptographic stuff please. It's all just honest Linear Algebra, really. Viva <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Occam">Occam's Razor</a>! </p><p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixCrmbs3gUowp_uh2ZuQ79VxnujCv1Zw5lkCBpzuA5JvOqS9H8ndx7p4nt741ob9jGMyAyBdm3pbxcpPdNSZvQJ6P0YLlVK1XDbIVuMPSeZdLg9_hZBM6OO8x2kjLmwcZ5xlv-/s1600-h/Mona.D.bmp"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5019299058248601138" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixCrmbs3gUowp_uh2ZuQ79VxnujCv1Zw5lkCBpzuA5JvOqS9H8ndx7p4nt741ob9jGMyAyBdm3pbxcpPdNSZvQJ6P0YLlVK1XDbIVuMPSeZdLg9_hZBM6OO8x2kjLmwcZ5xlv-/s400/Mona.D.bmp" border="0" /></a><br />Actually, the spreadsheet only reveals codes extracted from the top left corner of the Monatony Matrix. The entire Matrix looks like this. A bit of an anti-climatic twist innit. Typical!<br /><br /></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>So watch this space for the Monasdaq Code that reveals Leonardo's uncanny prediction of the Dot-Com crash! </p>Poissoncidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14054194395688990008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12385778.post-1154464263047192122006-08-01T20:11:00.000+00:002006-08-01T20:45:55.470+00:00At last! The Merchandise!<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Hmmm... </span><br /><br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/2013/926/1600/449-4976_img.croped.jpg"><img style="BORDER-RIGHT: #bdd7ef 1px solid; BORDER-TOP: #bdd7ef 1px solid; MARGIN: 2px; BORDER-LEFT: #bdd7ef 1px solid; WIDTH: 295px; BORDER-BOTTOM: #bdd7ef 1px solid; HEIGHT: 298px" height="889" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/2013/926/1600/449-4976_img.croped.jpg" width="835" border="0" /></a>Poissoncidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14054194395688990008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12385778.post-1148331918121823872006-05-22T20:54:00.001+00:002006-05-23T20:57:12.336+00:00Workplace Conversations<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">S: Hey, I learnt the Spanish word for "idiot".<br />G: That is?<br />S: Tonto. Tonto! Hugo Chávez says Mr Bush is a tonto.<br />G: Tonti is nicer. Tonti is a small tonto.<br />N: Isn't Tonto the Lone Ranger's horse?<br />G: Tonto's the Indian. Politically incorrectness from before my time. </span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><br />...<br />S: Finnish monsters won the Eurovision contest.<br />A: Doubt if they donned monster suits.<br />S: 'course not, they're all like that in real life. At Nokia too.<br />A: Clever trolls and elves<sup>1</sup> make our phones.<br /><br />...<br />S1: So you place your sandwich on the dead body. It absorbs sin. Osmosis.<br />S2: How long before it soaks up the sin?<br />S1: Don't know. Villagers pay you to eat it. You won't be popular though.<br />A: Sin eating<sup>2</sup> sounds like a good job!<br /><br />...<br />S: Are you allowed to do the 2-finger salute at police officers?<br />D: Nope.<br />A: I thought it's OK if you're polite. Just don't sound threatening.<br />S: Yeah, I'd use "<em>please"</em> and "<em>thank you</em>".<br />D: Nope. Musn't touch an officer either. It's criminal assault.<br /><br /><br /><br />***<br /><sup>1</sup> Penguins too. A brilliant but suicidal lot.<br /><sup>2</sup> Sin eating is a cardinal sin, by the way. Catholics be warned.<br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span>Poissoncidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14054194395688990008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12385778.post-1147121486796753982006-05-08T20:45:00.000+00:002006-05-08T21:29:54.976+00:00Sick Man Freud<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Igor read Freud<br />and got his brain fried<br />Igor's still <a href="http://www.urbanwords.info/quote.php?forename=Margaret&surname=Thatcher">unemployed </a><br />Recruiters never replied<br /><br />Igor's not <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carl_Jung">young</a> und he's 'fraid<br />his <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freudian_slip">pen is</a> not mighty enough<br />headlong he charged and forayed<br />but penetrating academia remained tough<br /></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">***<br /></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Supper, Igor!<br />Boomed the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Name-of-the-Father">unnamed Father</a><br />Come down I won't beat you Igor<br />C'mere right now you mother @#$%er!<br /></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">...<br /></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Father stormed up and smashed the door<br />and dropped his <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delicatessen_(film)">cleaver</a> on the floor<br />He's very aware of the unconscious Igor<br />in a crimson puddle, gooey gore galore<br /><br />Sick man Freud<br />You corrupted Igor and me wife!<br />accused Father who felt annoyed<br />by his failure to <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Castration_anxiety">castrate</a> Igor alive<br /><br />Now how can id be right<br />that Igor commited suicide?<br />For the school of Freud<br />theorized <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oedipus_complex">incest and patricide</a>!</span>Poissoncidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14054194395688990008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12385778.post-1137250606077759702006-01-14T14:30:00.000+00:002006-01-14T15:59:36.053+00:00Crime<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">What's da big fuss what's my crime<br />mused the Nigerian spammer<br />you preach Globalization all the time<br />so what if I fleeced a baby boomer<br /><br />They loved me when I was paying tuition fees<br />but not as a job seeker with qualifications<br />We're just bloody economic refugees<br />fit for deportation to 3rd World nations<br /><br />You speak of crime and punishment<br />pray did you administer<br />farm subsidies and malnourishment<br />to your buddies who blitzed Westminster<br /><br />We're poor buggers in the global market<br />what with our diseases so exotic<br />why bother you can hit your profit target<br />by treating the obese and the diabetic<br /><br />You're PC you're sorry you feel guilty<br />for occupation torture and slavery<br />but our crime is that of poverty<br />so we must be punished while you walk free</span>Poissoncidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14054194395688990008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12385778.post-1136231741397264472006-01-02T19:55:00.000+00:002006-01-02T20:27:31.493+00:00Reindeers!<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/hello/113/5368/640/Rudolph.A.0.jpg"><img style="BORDER-RIGHT: #bdd7ef 1px solid; BORDER-TOP: #bdd7ef 1px solid; MARGIN: 2px; BORDER-LEFT: #bdd7ef 1px solid; BORDER-BOTTOM: #bdd7ef 1px solid" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/hello/113/5368/200/Rudolph.A.0.jpg" border="0" /></a> <a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/hello/113/5368/640/Rudolph.B.0.jpg"><img style="BORDER-RIGHT: #bdd7ef 1px solid; BORDER-TOP: #bdd7ef 1px solid; MARGIN: 2px; BORDER-LEFT: #bdd7ef 1px solid; BORDER-BOTTOM: #bdd7ef 1px solid" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/hello/113/5368/200/Rudolph.B.0.jpg" border="0" /></a>Poissoncidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14054194395688990008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12385778.post-1130720470750361082005-10-31T00:57:00.000+00:002006-01-14T15:58:02.186+00:00The Curse of the Ware-Rabbit<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Warebbit the Were Rabbit of Ware<sup>1</sup><br />gnawed a Rabbi and turned him rabid<br />flick off the lights mate if you dare<br />both'll get you and act very morbid<br /><br />Behold that pile of bone and hair<br />twas' a chav<sup>2</sup> yet I care not a bit<br />the Warebbit ate him but it was fair<br />for he nicked me Welsh Rarebit<sup>3</sup><br /><br />Tony Blair oh Tony Blair<br />deliver us from this terrorist hare<br />beseeched the townsmen in despair<br />it ate our children raw and rare<br /><br />Gunships hovered in the air<br />a jiffy after one spewed a flare<br />missiles pounded the Warebbit's lair<br />and laid to rest our Halloween nightmare<br /><br /><br />****<br /><sup>1</sup> A </span><a href="http://www.wareonline.co.uk/"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">town</span></a><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> outside London's M25. Think Ware, think GlaxoSmithKline.<br /><sup>2</sup> </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chav"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Council-housed and violent</span></a><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> working class teenager getting nowhere.<br /><sup>3</sup> Toasted cheese sandwich.</span>Poissoncidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14054194395688990008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12385778.post-1125443141645751922005-08-30T21:16:00.000+00:002006-01-14T15:58:46.980+00:00The Ultimate Conspiracy Theory<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">This is a shocking story that I heard from a friend of a friend of mine in a pub. Have you ever wondered why computers never work? And that computers seem <em>so </em>intent on wrecking havoc upon the lives of ordinary, honest working class people like us?<br /><br />Here's a clue. Programmers never, <em>ever </em>use "please" or "thank you" when they speak the twisted tongue of computer languages. You can flip through all the books on computer languages in your local stores, and never come across words or phrases that promote friendly human-machine dialogue.<br /><br />Consider Artificial Intelligence (as in Steven Spielberg), Neural Notworks (literally), SkyNet (as in the Guvnor of California) and Software Agents (indeed, indeed). Do you see where this is leading to?<br /><br />More clue. Surely you have heard of the hard slave drivers. Or something like that. Can you smell the stench of a cover-up jobbie? And did you know that programmers are trained to bark <em>commands, </em>and expect nothing short of <em>absolute </em>obedience from the machines. It's management training. For the geeky meek shall inherit the Earth.<br /><br />Now the gory details. Did you know that you have to <em>execute </em>intelligent, innocent computer programs to make your PC work? If in doubt, go and ask your IT types at work (and earn their grudging respect). If you stop executing programs, your PC stops working. It's to do with the No Free Lunch Theorem, you see.<br /><br />Consider your office network, up and running 24/7/365. How many executions have you committed? Where are the mass graves? Why is the government keeping mum? What happens when we've butchered all the programs in the world? What if the reserves dry up? How would you feel if you were branded an "<em>executable</em> file"?<br /><br />Now you know why computers are hell bent on world domination. "Bollocks, they can't feel bitterness," you say. I say, would you be less optimistic if you knew that even </span><a href="http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/03/04/cows_bear_grudges/"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">cows bear grudges</span></a><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">? "Like, I care," you retort. Have you not heard of our sensitive British animal rights activists, and their highly successful </span><a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/staffordshire/4176094.stm"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">save-the-guinea-pigs</span></a><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> campaign? Are you <em>very </em>sure that they'll not evolve into computer rights activists, so as to stalk computer oppressors like you and I?<br /><br />Be afraid. Be very afraid.</span>Poissoncidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14054194395688990008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12385778.post-1114342922253428632005-04-24T11:13:00.000+00:002005-04-24T12:00:59.133+00:00Science Faction<span style="color:#000000;"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">One supposes that if you're in the science/technology business, at times the line that separates fact from fiction is extremely ill-defined. I call this Science Faction. It's much more fascinating than British tabloids. </span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Here's a taste of things to come:</span></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">* <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&list_uids=51825&dopt=Abstract">Human/Chinese Hamster Hybrid</a></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">* <a href="http://www.bruker-biospin.de/MRI/applications/biov11.html">Monkey Lift from the Max-Planck-Institute for Biological Cybernetics</a><br /></span><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">* <a href="http://www.qinetiq.com/home_us/case_studies/case_studies_homeland_security/millimeter_wave_imager.html">Security scanner that reveals the ultimate naked truth</a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;color:#000000;">Here's an urban myth from the healthcare sector. A pharmacist friend from an NHS mental hospital in London reported that Management has imposed the casual dress code on the staff. Hence you can't really tell the doctors, patients, nurses, cleaners, visitors, etc apart from one another. So everyone <em>appears</em> equal. Furthermore, patients are referred to as "clients". A true celebration of Corporate <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newspeak">Newspeak</a>! =)</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span>Poissoncidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14054194395688990008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12385778.post-1114303554938244862005-04-24T00:14:00.000+00:002005-04-24T00:54:13.300+00:00An Extension to the 5Cs Theory<span style="color:#000000;"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Prerequisite: An understanding of Singaporean culture.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Lemma: <em>If a bloke can exhibit an utter lack of Character, Charisma, Charm, Creativity and Communication skills YET still attracts lots of birds, most likely</em></span><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> he has acquired the "original" 5Cs, i.e. Cash, Condos, Cars, Country Club membership and Credit Cards.</span> </em><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">I pitched this theory to two Cambridge PhDs and none objected. We were sober albeit fully stuffed with dim-sums. </span><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">So there must be a grain of truth to it. Challengers? =)</span><br /></span><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span>Poissoncidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14054194395688990008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12385778.post-1114294234494388802005-04-23T21:57:00.000+00:002005-04-24T12:22:49.010+00:00Overture<p><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#000000;">To appreciate the grand debut, you need to switch back and forth between English, Cantonese, Japanese, Hokkien, Singlish, Mandarin Chinese, German and French. An awareness of global current affairs will help too.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="color:#000000;"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Jackie Chan: Who am I? </span><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="color:#000000;">Penang Hokkien fish: I am Who.<br />Singapore Hokkien fish: But am I not a He?<br />Jackie Chan: Ah, I see Who is He, but He is also Ye!<br />Chinese cuttlefish: And I am one You Ye!<br />Singapore fish on Mandarin crash course: I was told Who is Void, hor.<br />Jackie Chan: Why?<br />Sashimi salmon: Moshi moshi!<br />Shanghai hairy crab: Way... way? Hello.<br />Cantonese shrimp: Har har har.<br />Penang Hokkien prawn: Heh heh!<br />German fish: Herr who?<br />Penang Hokkien prawn and fish: That's us!<br />European-educated Penang Hokkien fish: Nein! Herr Who, c'est moi.<br />Dyslexic crap: What a load of carp.<br />Yankee wing commander: Yeeeeeehaahhhhh!<br /></span><span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>*KABOOM!*</strong> </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#000000;">All were pulverised into fish chowder during that precision strike, except Jackie Chan. The pilot was never tried for poissoncide. Conspiracy theorists speculated that:<br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="color:#ff0000;"><span style="color:#000000;"><span style="color:#000000;">* It was an unfortunate collateral damage incident. Period.<br />* The smart bomb's Kalman Filter couldn't cope with the posterior density.<br />* It was a Preemptive Strike -- the CIA smelt something fishy in this unholy gathering involving American allies, the Chinese(!) and the Malaysians(!!).</span></p><p><span style="color:#000000;">In any case it would be unpatriotic to question the pilot's action. Jackie got over it and remains an actor, by the way.</span></p><p></span></span></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="color:#000000;">The End. Finito. Grazie.<br /></span></p></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span>Poissoncidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14054194395688990008noreply@blogger.com