31 Oct 2005

The Curse of the Ware-Rabbit

Warebbit the Were Rabbit of Ware1
gnawed a Rabbi and turned him rabid
flick off the lights mate if you dare
both'll get you and act very morbid

Behold that pile of bone and hair
twas' a chav2 yet I care not a bit
the Warebbit ate him but it was fair
for he nicked me Welsh Rarebit3

Tony Blair oh Tony Blair
deliver us from this terrorist hare
beseeched the townsmen in despair
it ate our children raw and rare

Gunships hovered in the air
a jiffy after one spewed a flare
missiles pounded the Warebbit's lair
and laid to rest our Halloween nightmare


****
1 A
town outside London's M25. Think Ware, think GlaxoSmithKline.
2
Council-housed and violent working class teenager getting nowhere.
3 Toasted cheese sandwich.

30 Aug 2005

The Ultimate Conspiracy Theory

This is a shocking story that I heard from a friend of a friend of mine in a pub. Have you ever wondered why computers never work? And that computers seem so intent on wrecking havoc upon the lives of ordinary, honest working class people like us?

Here's a clue. Programmers never, ever use "please" or "thank you" when they speak the twisted tongue of computer languages. You can flip through all the books on computer languages in your local stores, and never come across words or phrases that promote friendly human-machine dialogue.

Consider Artificial Intelligence (as in Steven Spielberg), Neural Notworks (literally), SkyNet (as in the Guvnor of California) and Software Agents (indeed, indeed). Do you see where this is leading to?

More clue. Surely you have heard of the hard slave drivers. Or something like that. Can you smell the stench of a cover-up jobbie? And did you know that programmers are trained to bark commands, and expect nothing short of absolute obedience from the machines. It's management training. For the geeky meek shall inherit the Earth.

Now the gory details. Did you know that you have to execute intelligent, innocent computer programs to make your PC work? If in doubt, go and ask your IT types at work (and earn their grudging respect). If you stop executing programs, your PC stops working. It's to do with the No Free Lunch Theorem, you see.

Consider your office network, up and running 24/7/365. How many executions have you committed? Where are the mass graves? Why is the government keeping mum? What happens when we've butchered all the programs in the world? What if the reserves dry up? How would you feel if you were branded an "executable file"?

Now you know why computers are hell bent on world domination. "Bollocks, they can't feel bitterness," you say. I say, would you be less optimistic if you knew that even
cows bear grudges? "Like, I care," you retort. Have you not heard of our sensitive British animal rights activists, and their highly successful save-the-guinea-pigs campaign? Are you very sure that they'll not evolve into computer rights activists, so as to stalk computer oppressors like you and I?

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

24 Apr 2005

Science Faction

One supposes that if you're in the science/technology business, at times the line that separates fact from fiction is extremely ill-defined. I call this Science Faction. It's much more fascinating than British tabloids. Here's a taste of things to come:
* Human/Chinese Hamster Hybrid
* Monkey Lift from the Max-Planck-Institute for Biological Cybernetics
* Security scanner that reveals the ultimate naked truth

Here's an urban myth from the healthcare sector. A pharmacist friend from an NHS mental hospital in London reported that Management has imposed the casual dress code on the staff. Hence you can't really tell the doctors, patients, nurses, cleaners, visitors, etc apart from one another. So everyone appears equal. Furthermore, patients are referred to as "clients". A true celebration of Corporate Newspeak! =)

An Extension to the 5Cs Theory

Prerequisite: An understanding of Singaporean culture.

Lemma: If a bloke can exhibit an utter lack of Character, Charisma, Charm, Creativity and Communication skills YET still attracts lots of birds, most likely he has acquired the "original" 5Cs, i.e. Cash, Condos, Cars, Country Club membership and Credit Cards.

I pitched this theory to two Cambridge PhDs and none objected. We were sober albeit fully stuffed with dim-sums. So there must be a grain of truth to it. Challengers? =)

23 Apr 2005

Overture

To appreciate the grand debut, you need to switch back and forth between English, Cantonese, Japanese, Hokkien, Singlish, Mandarin Chinese, German and French. An awareness of global current affairs will help too.

Jackie Chan: Who am I?
Penang Hokkien fish: I am Who.
Singapore Hokkien fish: But am I not a He?
Jackie Chan: Ah, I see Who is He, but He is also Ye!
Chinese cuttlefish: And I am one You Ye!
Singapore fish on Mandarin crash course: I was told Who is Void, hor.
Jackie Chan: Why?
Sashimi salmon: Moshi moshi!
Shanghai hairy crab: Way... way? Hello.
Cantonese shrimp: Har har har.
Penang Hokkien prawn: Heh heh!
German fish: Herr who?
Penang Hokkien prawn and fish: That's us!
European-educated Penang Hokkien fish: Nein! Herr Who, c'est moi.
Dyslexic crap: What a load of carp.
Yankee wing commander: Yeeeeeehaahhhhh!
*KABOOM!*

All were pulverised into fish chowder during that precision strike, except Jackie Chan. The pilot was never tried for poissoncide. Conspiracy theorists speculated that:
* It was an unfortunate collateral damage incident. Period.
* The smart bomb's Kalman Filter couldn't cope with the posterior density.
* It was a Preemptive Strike -- the CIA smelt something fishy in this unholy gathering involving American allies, the Chinese(!) and the Malaysians(!!).

In any case it would be unpatriotic to question the pilot's action. Jackie got over it and remains an actor, by the way.

The End. Finito. Grazie.