One day, a boar found a giant hedgehog twitching in a puddle of blood. No, make it a stag covered in arrows, caked in mud and blood. One arrow even pierced the stag’s lips and shattered most of its teeth. Still, the stag managed to strike a toothy conversation with the boar in its final moments.
Boar: Pray tell me who has hurt you so badly, for I shall
bring it to the attention of the Lion King!
Stag: William’s Norman hunters will be back to have me
smitten and hung. You should leave ASAP.
Boar: Sugar!!!
Stag: Oui. Froggies love their boar saucy-sons, even in
damp Albion. Run, old chap, run. My end is nigh.
Boar: And abandon you as Raymond Blanc c(r)ookery ingredient?
Stag: Kismet, Hardy.
Boar: That’s Lord Nelson's line. You’re delirious.
Here, have some ale.
Stag: Thank you. ♫ GLUG GLUG GLUG ♫ I say,
what a mighty crate of booze you're carrying. Huzzah!
Boar: Ah, state-of-the-art, coin-operated booze dispenser.
Normally I deliver Menhirs in Gaul.
Stag: That's Asterix. Narrative discontinuity is disturbing.
Boar: Merely playing along. Hush, take another sip.
Stag: ♫ GLUG GLUG ♫ I have not a big list to go into
my Legal Will Kit™ . But I bequeath you my diary.
Boar: The mythical eel-skin bound Diary of God,
prequel to the Domesday Book?? :o
Stag: Indeed. You have first-mover advantage now.
Hurry, find a publisher! Enter the Grim Reaper on his trusty quad bike.Reaper: Vrooom vrrrkkk vrkkk brrrrrrrrrtttt... «Engine dies»Stag relapses into consciousness after his vision of Death the Musical.
Stag: Ah, tis the angel of death. Please kind sir take me
to my haven, I hark the gentle pitter patter of
angel steps already.
Boar: Grim Reaper? ♫ HICK ♫
Reaper: Om. It is I death personified. I have been
requested to take thee away, to a place where
everyone wants to go but where most are afraid to
get to... «Notices eel-skin bound diary»
is that the - sacré bleu! it couldn’t be
the sacred book of...
Boar: It’s the Da Vinci code of the BC century! Name your
offer and I’ll consider a 70-30 split in profit!
Reaper: I’ll spare you a painful death whereby a mace is
stuck up your ♫ BEEP ♫
Stag: Betrayed on my death bed ♫ GLUG GLUG GLUG ♫
Reaper: Deal! Boar, I shall reincarnate thy friend as the
God of Stag Dos, Hen Nights and Sun Tans.
Stag: Nooo~~~~
«Nine busty Valkyries crane-hoisted onto stage»
«Valkyries spirited Stag away. Audience cheered»
Stag: Hullo, why are you shadow boxing over me?
Boar: The state of your mortally pierced body is known as
sashimi. Relax, I'm administering palliative care
using Tai Chi, Qi Gong and Falun Gong that
the Terror Coated Warriors of Xi An taught me.
Stag: Kiss me, Hardy.
Boar: Forgive my sins, our Heavenly Pater ♫ SMOOOCH ♫ ♂♥
«Lips. Tongues. Salty. Moist. Passion. Taboo. Stigma»
«Gods wept. Volcanoes erupted. Mountains--»
Stag: Aarrghhhhh, you broke my back! The Grim Reaper returns, appearing confused and feeling slightly uncomfortable with the situation witnessed.Reaper: This is all too strange.After a few minutes, Boar peeks from single fig leave he is hiding behind and realises nothing has happened. The Grim Reaper appears sheepish and embarassed.
I feel deranged.
Enough! You two fools,
now to make you ghouls.
«Huge roar of thunder»
«Grim Reaper condemns the gay lovers to Hell»
Boar+Stag: Nooooo!
Reaper: My powers are depleted,Intense horse trading took place. In return for an instantaneous Grim Repair Total Body Rejuvenation eXperience ™, Stag agreed to sell his diary and invest in a new venture in the death industry -- with the Grim Reaper as business partner, of course. Stag is now able to stand up tall. His bloodied mouth is miraculously healed.
I’ve been defeated!
My ego has deflated
My career, defenestrated. :(
Stag: That’s strange. I feel... I feel...
Boar: That he enjoyed our public display of affection.
Stag: Pervy skeletal grin betrayed his dirty thoughts!
Reaper: Oh please, I've just lost my job ♫ GLUG GLUG ♫
Boar: Awwww. Come sit here with us *HUG* *HUG*
Reaper: Instant dimissal! Homophobic bastards! :(
Stag: Boar, may I have a private moment with him, please.
Boar: Gee, Stag you look ravishing. «Audience gazes in awe»
Please, tell me your secret!
Stag: You mean the secret to my amazing complexion and
healthy glow? Why, it’s the result of
New Silk Cut Superbly Light™!
Reaper: A deep long drag,
you’ll be like Stag.
Don’t delay,
buy today! ;)
Stag: And why must you speak in rhyme?
Reaper: Is it a crime? «Lights a ciggie»
Silks Cuts are posh and sublime!
Evil will no longer be performed,
I feel reformed!
Boar: Ooh, can I try your ciggie, please?
Reaper: No, but you may have a free starter pack instead!
Boar: ☺
Stag: Wahahaha! :[
Reaper: Muahahaa! :[
